Best of Timothy Year-End Roundup

It’s the end of the year again. That means it’s time for a thoughtful roundup of my personal funniest lines from my past year of posts, introduced by each post’s unique theme, topic, or premise. Most of these you probably already remember, but bear with.


From ANIMALS I’M GLAD DON’T EXIST:
The Palintaur

From FAVORITE VIDEO GAME INSTRUCTION MANUAL EXCERPTS:
Now you’re in Thrim Zërgatroid, the third indoor planet in Ogreworld Online. Immediately exit the town, taking the now-legless crone’s ivory scepter. Hike along the path until you get to the Living Forest of Guidos. Swim the river to avoid the Goatrees; take the left fork at the Dam of Hydraulic Energy Sponsored by Con Ed. Just before the rapids (you’ll hear them in the distance), get out of the river and walk along the meager forest path. You may want to stop and eat a Basilisk, which you’ll kill with either an InstantAge spell, or you can step on it. When your hike takes you above 1,000 troidometers (check your hip-mounted troidometer), walk along the western ridge, which will shade you from both suns and the orbiting prison-planet. At this point you should be able to see all of Ogreworld laid out before you in the profile a giant sad fat man alone in his room. That’s you. Now, sell your computer system on eBay.

From DANCE CRAZES THAT QUICKLY FADED INTO OBSCURITY:
FDR: The Funky Disabled Roosevelt

From HILARIOUS TITLES FOR UNPOPULAR BRITISH INVASION HITS STARTING WITH THE LETTER “B”:
“Botulism!”

From STUPIDEST PREDICTIONS OF THE 18th CENTURY:
Portable comp-uters shalle never be in poffeffion of more than 4 giga-bytef of flash RAMME, or if they are, simply wrap the mother boarde in a poultice and ensure it is given a brothe of St. John’s wort, pork-bones, cabbage clippings, and malted cow-fetus — one ingredient for each of the four digitalle humours.

From SLANG THAT NEVER TOOK OFF:
skippy-dippy (n.) visible blood, brain matter, or viscera. Example: “Oh God, Marianne, I’m so sorry, I thought I saw a possum or something in the road, I was just trying to avoid it, I don’t even know how I survived that rollover, I think I thought it was a dog or something, it all happened so fast, but I think we should be okay if I can just create a fire until someone finds us at the bottom of this isolated — whoa, Marianne, I can totally see your skippy-dippy.”

From PRODUCTS THAT CHANGED THE WORLD:
Cristal Meth — the methamphetamine you can comfortably name-drop

From DISTURBING ROBOT QUOTES FROM LOW-BUDGET ’70s ROBOT MOVIES:
But Master, I still fail to see anything wrong with a 67YTR-uuu5 version 3.4(alpha) model wearing short-shorts.

From WELL, THAT’S ALL FINE AND GOOD, BUT IF YOU WERE REALLY OUT WITH YOUR BUDDIES YOU COULD HAVE STILL AT LEAST TEXTED:
I’m tired. Lay off me, woman.

From TV HOSTS WHOSE NAMES DON’T RHYME WITH “NANTUCKET”:
Bear Grylls

From LEAST-COMFORTABLE SPORTSCASTING MOMENTS:
GOOOOOOO — My wife asked me for a divorce last night when I got home from the tapas bar, and I was too much of a wimp to ask her why. I mean, I know why — we haven’t really communicated in years. And with me always monitoring the temperature of the cheese-curdling cellar, it wasn’t like I exactly listened to or made time for her. Keep in mind that she and her high school boyfriend Greg have clearly had some sort of e-mail flirtation going on for the past 18 months, at least, and you can see why I just kind of let it gooooooAAAAAAAAAAL!!!!!!

From UNPOPULAR LAST MEALS TO ORDER BEFORE YOUR EXECUTION:
Pureed owl pellet sauce over raw fish bladder chunks, with a side of Big Red (pre-chewed).

From COMPELLING IMAGINARY FIGURES IN ALTERNATE HISTORY:
Living JFK