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Thursday
Apr232009

An Open Letter to Asher Roth

On Monday night I had the honor of being invited to a release party for the debut album of the most talented young rapper of our age, Asher Roth.

While he was very nice to us, and while he probably has more money than I do, I believe his hit song, I Love College, is somewhat too erudite, lyrically speaking, to be accessible to the average listener. I imagine he got some notes from executives about toning down the lyrics, but ultimately ignored them. The notes probably went as follows:

That party last night was awfully crazy
I wish we taped it

Great, Asher, just great. One issue: Your home state, Pennsylvania, requires all parties’ consent for videotaping; undercover recordings will be tried according to current wiretapping laws, and could prompt civil lawsuits for invasion of privacy. Please see 18 Pa. Cons. Stat. § 5703(1), 18 Pa. Cons. Stat. § 5704, and 18 Pa. Cons. Stat. § 7507.1 for details.

I danced my ass off and had this one girl
Completely naked

Highly evocative! Only problem is, if someone’s dancing so hard that her clothes fall off…yeah, that’s not normal. She may be having an epileptic seizure. Assuming we’re discussing a generalized tonic-clonic seizure, the best procedure is to move the patient away from sharp edges and place something soft beneath her head, making sure she’s on her side with her chin up to avoid asphyxiation through epiglottal closure or other blockage. If the woman enters a state of persistent (unremitting or recurrent) seizure, you’re encountering status epilepticus and must contact professional emergency services immediately.

Pass out at 3, wake up at 10
Go out to eat then do it again

Wait. You’re advocating only sleeping from 3 a.m. to 10 a.m.? Obviously you’re joking, but these kids are impressionable and may take your advice at face value. And as we know from the Guinness World Records book, one can last only so long on just 7 hours of sleep per day before going clinically insane. And if you mean 3 p.m. to 10 p.m., man, that’s some party. It’s so crazy, it turned into brunch.

I wanna go to college for the rest of my life
Sip Banker’s Club and drink Miller Lite

Nice. Only, we recently got you a sponsorship deal with urine? Yeah, urine. As in…okay, you get it, urine. They’re paying us more than Banker’s Club, and the taste is similar. So, just to be clear, you should replace the words “Banker’s Club” with “urine.” Please do the same for “Miller Light.” That’s right, with “urine.”

On Thirsty Thursday and Tuesday Night Ice
I can get pizza a dollar a slice

NO WAY. One dollar? ONE dollar? One DOLLAR? ONE [gunshot].

I am champion at beer pong
Allen Iverson, Hakeem Olajuwon

Great references. One potential hitch: We checked with Allen Iverson and Hakeem Olajuwon, and both said they’d literally rather die than have their name be associated with yours.

Do somethin’ crazy! Do somethin’ crazy!
Do somethin’ crazy! Do somethin’ crazy!
Keg stand!

Simply too crazy. We want this to be sold in Wal-Marts! Let me suggest a few activities that aren’t quite so “out there”:
1) An extended jam session with Jimi Hendrix’s corpse, that guy who found a fur tree growing in his lung, and Bill Murray.
2) BASE jumping using a squid for a parachute.
3) Eating the concept of freedom on a bun.

Man, I love college, ay!
And I love drinking, ay!
I love women, ay!
Man, I love college

Too subtextual. Assuming people get the thinly veiled references — “college,” “drinking,” and “women” are clearly clever nicknames for the three founders of the Sandinista National Liberation Front (FSLN), Carlos Fonseca Amador, Silvio Mayorga, and Tomás Borge — they may be upset at your casually evoking the Junta of National Reconstruction (1979) that later gave way to unchecked FSLN rule of Nicaragua, the Contra resistance, and all the political associations that go with it. And your sly references (“ay!” — three times, no less) to current president José Daniel Ortega Saavedra’s defeat by Violeta Barrios Torres de Chamorro in 1990 won’t be taken kindly to either.

In short, I’m not sure the world is ready for your genius.

Your Producer,

Timothy “Mad Ph7s!cal” Cooper


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