Wine-Tasting Notes

I’ve been going to a lot of food fairs and wine festivals lately, trying out some exciting new wines. Here’s a rundown of the best, complete with my own tasting notes:


Cuvée du Baby Seal 1998
Strong raspberry and cinnamon on the tongue, followed by smooth honey and rose petal with just the right amount of tartness. A little heavy on the baby seal, but not bad.

Marcel Marceau Cava Brut Reserva 2005
Didn’t really speak to me. Not much to say about this one.

Moscato di EVOO 1999
A beautiful, fruit-forward muscat that accidentally got mixed with several thousand gallons of olive oil. Pretty good wine if you prefer olive oil.

Sauvignon Blankkk 2000
Only the purest, whitest wine goes into this bottle, while the cloth wrapping cloaks it from sun spoilage. Never blended with any other wines, that it knows of.

Nicholas Cage Estate Pinot Gris 1995
The year he made this wine was also the last year he tried acting.

Merlot Oh No (I Think There’s Something Wrong with This Elevator) 1990
Best for those with a fear of heights.

Milk
Seems like this is in the wrong column.

derrida’s “this is a not a wine” 2007
A modern wine for the modern age, this is actually a clump of grapes that you must ferment yourself, proving that the idea of wine is a social construct.

Domaine Hugh Hefner La Chateauneuf-du-Pape Vignes 1991
Delicious and quaffable, once you clear out the crust on top.

Placental Pinot 2009
A very young wine. Very, very young.

Bacon
Not a wine at all.

Highfalutin Hill Creek Mansion Valley Ranch Glade Crest Mews Yacht-Hamptons 2001
If you don’t like it, it’s because you don’t get it.

Prom Night Prosecco, Roofié 2003
Not a good wine, but it gets the job done.

Dehydrated Desert Sands ‘n’ Silica Gel Packets, Reserve Zinfandel 1967
A little dry.

Extra-Chunky Chardonnay 2004
Trust me, you do not want to know what’s in here.

True Blood Chateau Le Suck 2008
Unfortunately, not made of the blood of people who actually like this soul-destroying, glorified soap opera on suck-oids.

Guilt
This is an emotion more than a wine.

Pap d’Smear 2006
Absolutely unacceptable.

Squirrel
It’s a stretch to even call this animal a liquid, let alone a wine.