Best TV Series Pitches of All Time

To prepare for the next pilot season out in Hollywood, I’ve been thinking up a few new TV series pitches that, were I to pitch them, would probably fail. Or would they?

POLTERDORK (ABC Family)
Jeroboam Sneed was already the biggest nerd in school…THEN he died.

HOLOCLAUSTROPHOBIA (HBO)
(No logline available)

F-TRAIN (Fox)
Jamie Foxx stars in the true story of a man who was born, lived, and died on the F-train.

OUCH (Food Network)
Foods that poke holes in your stomach.

THE SEXTH SENSE (Cinemax)
Between the sixth sense (dead people) and the seventh sense (smell again) lies the sexth sense, which allows you to see desperation. Parental guidance suggested, for brief nudity and light counting.

FARKLEHEIMER! (The History Channel)
The honest life and heroic death of Edward “Tibberton” Farkleheimer!, the first man with an exclamation point in his name.

THE SOLIPSIST (Showtime)
A mind-bending series cowritten by Charlie Kaufman, about a janitor named Charley who wants to kill his writer twin, Charlee, before she can finish her masterwork, “Kaufka,” which is about their stepmom, Charlé, and her husband, Charlo, and their adopted daughter, Charlequa, who forgot why this was supposed to be interesting or clever.

GOOD ENOUGH FOR NOW (Lifetime)
Jack’s a well-to-do banker and wife-beater, but Tonya really likes new shoes. Will they EVER make this marriage work?

JIGGAWATT? (The CW)
Black Edison.

EVERYBODY DIES (Nickelodeon)
Every dead mom of every lead character in every Disney movie discusses different ways your parents might die soon.

STAR TRUCK (Syfy)
Will a modified ‘93 Chevy pickup be able to keep its cabin—and William Shatner—pressurized at an even 14 lbs/sq. in. while orbiting the earth at 1,320,000 feet?

SQUID! (National Geographic)
Squid.