Zombie Standup, the Zombie Standup Comedian

Me…Zombie Standup. You…required to buy two-drink minimum, although juice or soda also okay.

Have you seen these ads for Accidentally on Purpose on CBS? I know, right? Well, what would happen if I accidentally switch the channel…on purpose? What would the executives do then?
— No worries. Some of my jokes are more like “Hm, he’s right” than laugh-out-loud. But you guys look politically savvy, let’s talk some politics.

I’m telling you, politics are crazy these days. Now Obama’s tossing around the concept of universal healthcare. Where was that when I was hiding out in my basement, frantically shoving chairs and dressers up against the door to try to block the encroaching zombie population from infecting me with the Z1-N1 virus? THAT’S when I needed universal healthcare. It’s a bit too late now, people!
— Sure, many of you are still upset about that, I understand.

Apparently the President told the nation’s schoolkids to wash their hands frequently to avoid the swine flu. I mean, I’d Purell, but then the rest of my zombified flesh would…decrepit…rotting…
— Agreed, the swine flu probably doesn’t compare to the Z1-N1 virus. That was worse. You humans are still touchy. I get it. Moving on.

You heard about this Congressman from South Carolina who shouted out during the presidential address this week? I’d like to give him a piece of my mind. And then eat a piece of his.
— I happen to enjoy brains a fair amount.

Ouch, feedback. Is this thing on? Of course it is, I know that. Because after they did the mike check, I ate Mike. Check!
— Mike was the sound guy.

You’ve seen this Tila Tequila chick on VH1? She’s famous for being famous. Don’t let it go to your head, lady. Of course, I’ve never let fame go to my head — first I’d have to be famous!
— You thought I was going to make a brains joke there, didn’t you? Please. I’m better than that.

Oh, a heckler. You know what? I WILL INFECT YOU, YOUR BRIDGE-AND-TUNNEL GIRLFRIEND, AND YOUR BRAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIII —
— No. I will NOT sink to that level. Please respect my craft, as I would respect yours. Thank you.

Some people look at me, they say, Zombie Standup, when are you finally going to be the headlining act? I say…man, I don’t even remember what I say. A little rattled here. Let me check my…hold on…other pocket. Where’s that blasted…Oh well, I guess my point was, the only place I’ve ever headlined was the Dawn of the Dead remake, and even there I got second billing to a special effect.
— That’s actually true.

Speaking of zombies, remind me to tell you about my job as a packer at Whole Foods.
— More like Whole Week’s Paycheck.

Jay Leno asked me to be on his new show. I said, Sure, where do you want me to sit when I arrive? He said, You can pick any seat in the audience.
— Okay, wow. Now I know what Simon & Garfunkel meant when they sang that song. I’m referring to “The Sounds of Silence.”

You know what? Being up here is a lot harder than it looks. So are my muscles, which is why I walk with my arms pointing straight forward.
— Rigor mortis. I’m very serious about that.

This place is deader than I am.

Who here saw Up?

Wine-Tasting Notes

I’ve been going to a lot of food fairs and wine festivals lately, trying out some exciting new wines. Here’s a rundown of the best, complete with my own tasting notes:


Cuvée du Baby Seal 1998
Strong raspberry and cinnamon on the tongue, followed by smooth honey and rose petal with just the right amount of tartness. A little heavy on the baby seal, but not bad.

Marcel Marceau Cava Brut Reserva 2005
Didn’t really speak to me. Not much to say about this one.

Moscato di EVOO 1999
A beautiful, fruit-forward muscat that accidentally got mixed with several thousand gallons of olive oil. Pretty good wine if you prefer olive oil.

Sauvignon Blankkk 2000
Only the purest, whitest wine goes into this bottle, while the cloth wrapping cloaks it from sun spoilage. Never blended with any other wines, that it knows of.

Nicholas Cage Estate Pinot Gris 1995
The year he made this wine was also the last year he tried acting.

Merlot Oh No (I Think There’s Something Wrong with This Elevator) 1990
Best for those with a fear of heights.

Milk
Seems like this is in the wrong column.

derrida’s “this is a not a wine” 2007
A modern wine for the modern age, this is actually a clump of grapes that you must ferment yourself, proving that the idea of wine is a social construct.

Domaine Hugh Hefner La Chateauneuf-du-Pape Vignes 1991
Delicious and quaffable, once you clear out the crust on top.

Placental Pinot 2009
A very young wine. Very, very young.

Bacon
Not a wine at all.

Highfalutin Hill Creek Mansion Valley Ranch Glade Crest Mews Yacht-Hamptons 2001
If you don’t like it, it’s because you don’t get it.

Prom Night Prosecco, Roofié 2003
Not a good wine, but it gets the job done.

Dehydrated Desert Sands ‘n’ Silica Gel Packets, Reserve Zinfandel 1967
A little dry.

Extra-Chunky Chardonnay 2004
Trust me, you do not want to know what’s in here.

True Blood Chateau Le Suck 2008
Unfortunately, not made of the blood of people who actually like this soul-destroying, glorified soap opera on suck-oids.

Guilt
This is an emotion more than a wine.

Pap d’Smear 2006
Absolutely unacceptable.

Squirrel
It’s a stretch to even call this animal a liquid, let alone a wine.