A Rat, Two Turtles and Worms

The Iranian Aerospace Organization just reported that the country "fired a rocket into space carrying living organisms -- a rat, two turtles and worms."

Facts Left Out of Iran's Latest Space Announcement

• "A Rat, Two Turtles and Worms" was to be the name of Tupac's final album
  
  
• The crew was modeled after Iran's most popular sitcom, "Two and a Half Men (Half of Whom Is a Rat, and Two of Whom Are Turtles)"
  
  
• The rocket is known as the Kavoshgar-3. In Persian, "kavoshgar" means "no reentry vehicle"
  
  
• Martin Luther was called to defend his 95 Theses in April 1521 by the Imperial Diet of a Rat, Two Turtles and Worms, later shortened to what we now know as the Diet of Atkins
  
  
• The rocket is powered entirely by propaganda
  
  
• The rat, an aspiring songwriter for Taylor Swift, got angry with the two turtles because you can't rhyme any lyric with "two turtles" except "Aunt Myrtle's"
  
  
• The rat, both turtles, and all but one of the worms voted for Ahmadinejad in the election. The other worm, full of youthful naïveté, was unknowingly sent to serve as bait in the onboard koi pond
  
  
• You can follow the rat, two turtles and worms' live Tweets at http://Twitter.com/TheEllenShow
  
  
• The phony law firm that Bernard Madoff set up to cover his tracks at the height of his fabricated hedge fund was called "Ararat, McWhyrtles and Dermis"
  
  
• Iran was originally going to send into space "a Jew, two more Jews and assorted Hasidim," but decided that might be misinterpreted as anti-Semitic
  
  
• A surefire way to make someone cry on the playground from now on will be, "Hey, Farshad, I saw your mom with a rat, two turtles and worms last night. Not necessarily in that order. Hey-o!"
  
  
• By the time the two turtles and worms learned they were only there as food for the rat, it was too late -- there was nowhere to run

• All living organisms died within seconds of launch because the rocket was made in Iran

Best TV Series Pitches of All Time

To prepare for the next pilot season out in Hollywood, I’ve been thinking up a few new TV series pitches that, were I to pitch them, would probably fail. Or would they?

POLTERDORK (ABC Family)
Jeroboam Sneed was already the biggest nerd in school…THEN he died.

HOLOCLAUSTROPHOBIA (HBO)
(No logline available)

F-TRAIN (Fox)
Jamie Foxx stars in the true story of a man who was born, lived, and died on the F-train.

OUCH (Food Network)
Foods that poke holes in your stomach.

THE SEXTH SENSE (Cinemax)
Between the sixth sense (dead people) and the seventh sense (smell again) lies the sexth sense, which allows you to see desperation. Parental guidance suggested, for brief nudity and light counting.

FARKLEHEIMER! (The History Channel)
The honest life and heroic death of Edward “Tibberton” Farkleheimer!, the first man with an exclamation point in his name.

THE SOLIPSIST (Showtime)
A mind-bending series cowritten by Charlie Kaufman, about a janitor named Charley who wants to kill his writer twin, Charlee, before she can finish her masterwork, “Kaufka,” which is about their stepmom, Charlé, and her husband, Charlo, and their adopted daughter, Charlequa, who forgot why this was supposed to be interesting or clever.

GOOD ENOUGH FOR NOW (Lifetime)
Jack’s a well-to-do banker and wife-beater, but Tonya really likes new shoes. Will they EVER make this marriage work?

JIGGAWATT? (The CW)
Black Edison.

EVERYBODY DIES (Nickelodeon)
Every dead mom of every lead character in every Disney movie discusses different ways your parents might die soon.

STAR TRUCK (Syfy)
Will a modified ‘93 Chevy pickup be able to keep its cabin—and William Shatner—pressurized at an even 14 lbs/sq. in. while orbiting the earth at 1,320,000 feet?

SQUID! (National Geographic)
Squid.